Obnoxious Boston Fan

The world of sports from a unique perspective.

Beantown Angst, LeBron In Tune and Charl’s Sheen at Augusta

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LeBron James Celtics

LeBron James, the newest superstar in the Red Sox stable, hung 27 on the Celtics Sunday in South Beach. Why team up with LeBron? Maybe John Henry thought he still owned the Marlins?

Well, Tiger didn’t get another Green Jacket. At least he still has his Scarlet Letter. Charl Schwartzel? Yeah, I had him in my Masters pool. Right. When Tiger had the clubhouse lead at 10 under – he hadn’t been that anxious since Rachel Uchitel was late. Sunday’s Masters finish was spectacular. Too bad no one this side of Springboks Nation had ever heard of the winner.

Just wondering: Was John Henry rooting for the Celtics or Heat Sunday?

The good old days are becoming just that. The Pats haven’t won a playoff game in three years, Red Sox fans are dancing in the streets because they got their 2nd win of the season Sunday night and the Celtics are still in free-fall following the Kendrick Perkins deal. The Bruins you say? They’ll need an exorcism to erase the stain of last spring’s collapse against Philly. Pretty soon we’ll be trading in the Duck Boats for a seat on the UConn bandwagon. Right now, we’re looking at Bruins vs. Habs and Celts vs. Knicks in the first round of the playoffs. Buckle up, folks.

John Henry

King Maker.

Last week, LeBron James joined forces with Henry and the Sox in a business venture . Then he scored 27   against the Celtics Sunday. At least one of them should still be in it come Mother’s Day. LeBron teaming up with the Red Sox? What’s next – Rex Ryan taking over as Lucky? A-Rod driving the Bruins’ Zamboni? Kobe Bryant lining up next to Wes Welker? Meanwhile, the Bulls are turning the East into the streets of Pamplona. And when it comes to the MVP race, Derrick Rose has everyone else pushing up daisies.

Anyone still like the Perkins trade? Sure, the fans in every other city in the NBA. After Sunday’s South Beach slapdown, Boston fell to 3rd in the East and trails the Heat by 1 game with 2 to play. Worse, the men in Green have gone Code Blue – going 9-10 over their last 19 games. For months we’ve heard they’ll put it all together for the playoffs. Well, in case they haven’t noticed, the playoffs start next weekend…

Pedro Martinez says he’d be open for a return to the Sox. Wondering if Boston is trying to re-sign Roger Clemens just for his steroid connections. They’re getting ready to put HGH in Fenway Franks. The 4th-place Sox and 5th-place Rays have 3 games this week. Hollywood is calling it: “The Bad News Bears In Breaking Wind.”  Carl Crawford must be a double-agent.  Hope Henry put that $142 million on his AMEX card so he use their Buyer’s Assurance program. Speaking of Clemens, coming to a Court TV channel near you: his perjury trial

Hear the big news about the 2012 Wrestlemaina main event? It’s The Rock vs. John Cena. That could be the biggest spectacle in Miami since Shaq hit South Beach in a Speedo. Wonder if LeBron’s mom , Gloria, will be on the undercard? King James is planning a new marketing campaign – “Witness – For the Defense.”…

Manny Ramirez.

"Does anyone know how to spell P-E-D?"

Then there’s Manny…

Manny Ramirez was an enigma, wrapped in a dilemma, boxed in a question, bagged in a quandary and packaged in a parody…

When it comes to Cooperstown, Manny shot himself in the foot with a syringe. Ramirez hit 555 homers, had 1,831 RBIs, won a World Series MVP, 2 rings and had the 8th highest OPS in baseball history – all with the sweetest right-handed swing this side of Hank Aaron. Too bad he’s going end up on the Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds side of the ledger. He also took about 17 minutes to stroll around the bases after each home run, only ran out grounders on Thursdays and turned every fly ball into an adventure. His fielding was spotty and he once turned the Green Monster into a Port-a-Potty. He put the first “I” in Boston’s famous 2004 “Idiots.”

They hold Manny he tested positive the 2nd time for a Peformance Enhancing Drug, or PED. Manny replied. “I’d Google that but I can’t spell it?” Seriously, after his retirement Friday, Manny did say: “God knows what’s best (for me). I am now an officially retired baseball player.” Too bad God didn’t tell Manny to give up “banned substances” for Lent.

The best Manny anecdote I heard came via Jim Luttrell of the New York Times on Facebook: “The Cleveland police officer flipped the siren switch and flagged down the car belonging to Ramirez that night in 1997. Manny was driving with illegally tinted windows, his stereo blasting loud enough to be heard all the way to Ashtabula. “I’m going to give you a ticket,” the officer told Ramirez, the budding young star of the Cleveland Indians. “I don’t need any tickets,” Manny replied, thinking this was a conversation about entry to Jacobs Field. “I can give you tickets.”

He was unique if nothing else….

The University of Florida had its spring game  Saturday – or was it the latest re-make of “The Longest Yard?” If new Coach Will Muschamp doesn’t straighten things out in Gainesville,  they’re going to re-name Florida’s pre-game ritual the “Gator Perp Walk” Muschamp had a group of Florida columnists on the sidelines helping him coach the game. It was a dream come true – for Florida State fans.

The future Mrs. Roethlisberger.

Ben Roethlisberger confirmed his engagement the other day. The alleged victim, er, bride to be, is Ashley Haran. When he popped the question – it was the first time Ben ever asked a girl for anything. The future Mrs. R is registered at “Bed, Bath and Tasers.” She passed on Macy’s when she heard they didn’t sell Mace.  They cancelled honeymoon plans for a trip to Disney World after Cinderella posted armed guards around her castle. When it comes time to exchange their vows – she’s going to say “I do” and he’s going to enter a plea of “not guilty.” To keep things safe on the wedding day – the bridal party is going to consist of “Charlies Angels”, “Cagney and Lacey,” the chick from “Sucker Punch” and 4 female Chinese Olympic weightlifters. The bride is going to be walked down the aisle by 2 state troopers and Clay Matthews.

Obnoxious Boston fan can be heard each Monday between 8 and 9 a.m. on “Open Mike” with Mike Bianchi on 740AM the Game in Orlando. He can also be reached on his Facebook page and at obnoxiousbostonfan@hotmail.com.

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Written by Obnoxious Boston Fan

April 10, 2011 at 7:13 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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